There is an episode of Gilmore Girls from a few years back about Luke's dark day.  He has it every year.  Nice and constant and predictable.  The same day every year he retreats somewhere and braces himself until this particular day is over.  Lorelei, unfortunately, is unaware of this ritual, but that is another story altogether.  Luke's dark day popped into my mind the other day between thoughts about the brevity of life and the utter hopelessness of it all and I found myself skipping into psychosis.  How come Luke can predict his dark day and mine just seem to kick down the front door and announce their presence?  Perhaps I could handle cowering in a corner for the same day every year, I could put it on my calender and put a pot of tea on so that my dark day and I could have some pleasant conversation while it came to visit.  But no, maybe if I scheduled a dark day here and there, it wouldn't bother showing up.  These things tend to thrive off of surprise and sneak attacks. 
                  And so, rather poetically, a couple of dark days came for a visit right before new years.  New years is the time for resolutions and change, the time when we realize, or perhaps beg and plead with God, that the winter cannot stay forever.  We've had our share of Christmas cookies and family gatherings and then we remember that spring, if the future is anything like the past, is right around the corner.  But of course, in that week before new years and after christmas I was ready to dig myself a cave of self pity, crawl on in, and wallow away the reat of my years.  When i take the time to examine my existence, two things happen: I either glance upon the fleeting expanse of pointlessness and chaos or I come away with a sense of peace and calm, glowing like a kid in a shampoo ad.   I would like to proclaim boldly that I possess such a radiant aura most commonly and once in a blue moon i am belly down in the mud of restrained potential.  But, of course, for me, it is safer to be a mess.  It is an excuse to stay home, and excuse to be alone.  People want to talk to you when you glow, dang it.
                    It is a new year though.  The weather so unapologetically announces it with gusting winds and bitter cold.  Hello, I am here, you look pathetic.  And so, from somewhere, comes a burst of new energy.  It is the day when company is coming for breakfast but my alarm decided to play tricks on me.  I'm flying down the stairs, whirling in and out of the bathroom.  The little things are unimportant now, there's no time to worry about whether I've shaved my armpits.  i am clean and you are here.  i'll take your coat and put on some hot water.  Life is hard and I've got gunk in my eyes.  we've all got gunk in our minds.  tell me more.

Before i begin for real, and im doing so i guess i am beginning for real, but whatever.  i ramble far too much when i post anyhow, but im not so sure this is read by anyone, and what i post is not intended to be read by anyone to tell the truth and so therefore, my rules win.  I always seem to be here writing either because i just haven't written in a while or because i am stressed or sad about something.  this makes me wonder if i am often a depressing individual, but i guess that when i am alive, i dont really run to the computer and fire up the internet and start typing.  that said, this is what makes me feel alive.

salsa, merengue, bachata, you name it i feel it deep down inside.
yoga.
hard, powerful, intense, effective revision of my work.
being absolutely terrified and looking that fear in the face and saying ha.
singing way too loud in the car.
tea parties.

ive got to work on this short story next.  and its gonna be a tough one.  first of all, it sucks.  second thing is that im a bit nervy because i know how much work this semester is and im afraid that doing work now is meaning that ill have no life later, that it will only get worse.  there is truth to this fear and yet, it is no reason that i should launch into neurotic rantings when i notice that a sentence is stupid.  i still have no idea what im doing in this major here, other than i feel completely honored to be able to be here.  Ive arrived at a party with a lot of people i love, don't know who invited me, but dont want to leave despite my minor embarassment at feeling like a party crasher.

First small group is tonight at kathleen's.  i was worried i would have too much work to do.  but i think there are three things i am gonna make time for this semester, maybe four.  small group, yoga, and shaking my butt in the city.  the fourth goes without much saying but it would be my friends especially christa.  that girl and i see way too little of each other and that is a problem. 

ok off to perform surgery.  just have to detach myself from it all and dive in without a hint of pride.  i can do it. we'll see.