wow.
so i am done the semester.  almost done.  minus a paper that is this close to being done. 
it feels nice.
does it though?? feel nice? nope.  it kind of sucks. 

i've changed so much this semester.  i think.  and i want to figure out where i am, where ive been, where im going.  to pause.  to reflect.  to make breaks and build on foundations. 

im leaving for ecuador on june 12 and i want to be refocused by the time i get there.  between now and then there is camp and working for people at home.  im hoping to have my dreadlocks done in there too.  but i think i need to set goals for the next month.  goals to foster rebirth.  a lot is ending tomorrow... but a lot is ready to be born. 
i want to:

use my body to do something everyday.  run.  walk.  hike.  lift weights.  move furniture.  dance.  jump.  spin in circles until i fall on the ground.

write a page everyday.  one single spaced word document.  about life.  about my day.  about God.  about a character. 

spend time with god every morning.  meditating and reflecting and focusing.  journaling?  yes.

work on playing the guitar.  you could do it one day.  you can do it again.  for fun. 

make art.  make art. make art.

clean out your room.  get rid of stuff.  simplify.  be simple. 

take photographs.  lots.  and send them to people in the mail.  with stickers. 

i am really excited and really ready for camp.  and i can't believe how God has changed my heart about it.  im praying that my attitude keeps up.  its going to be hard to go back home tomorrow, especially since i am sort of mourning this semester.  its a lot to say good bye to and im not sure they understand that. 

Tomorrow I'm saying farewell to:

Going to school with Jenna.

Living in NC 19

Sharing a room with Rach

Being a junior in college

I'd like so badly to say good bye to a lot.  I'm learning about me and a lot of what you uncover sucks.  plain out sucks.  so maybe one day soon I can say good bye to:

eating because I am sad or lonely

not saying hi to people i know when i see them

being busy

not being honest with myself or with other people

change is going to be good.  so often it is painful in the midst of it.  maybe tomorrow i can let go.  stop gritting my teeth.  breathe.  cry.  soak up the sun.  let go of myself and be a child of God. 

i dont even know.
i just ate a lot of cake.
and im sad. and i should be tired. but im not really wanting to go to sleep.
why is it that i am this way?  up one minute and down the next. 
i dont want to go home tomorrow.  but i do. 
its a rough change.
i suck at change.
will i ever get better at transitioning?
i hope so, but i doubt.
chocolate burps.
i want to throw up.